Rick and Morty 40k
by HookahSocialism
Summary: Rick and Morty find themselves hunted down by an undisclosed astartes chapter for heresy.


Rick ans Morty sitting on the couch next to Morty eating some potato chips and a large metal conductor of some sort crashes right into the living room.

"O...oh geez Rick! Geez Rick what is that?! Is...is that some kind of top secret government satelite?! Is it an alien spacecraft?!"

Rick just eats another chip. As the metal drop pods open a huge mist permeates the surrounding area almost concealing these giant armored men coming out of it with big phallic guns.

"Rick Sanchez of quandrant 14/88... you have been charged with third degree heresy against the imperium of man!"

"Oh geez Rick...that sounds pretty bad. Third degree. Like... like if that was a burn Rick your body could not recover from it!"

Another giant armored man speaks:

"Indeed young one... You are sitting next to a top ranking fugitive who has stolen holy tech from some of our most trusted mechanium priests!"

"The child is probably some brainwashed slave Rick uses for some perversive means of virtual immortality...eradicate them both!"

The giant men point their guns and as Morty cringes and shrieks Rick does not even look at them and pauses for a moment...puts another chip in his mouth, than whips out his teleporter gun and green spirals open below their feet throwing these strange officers into unknown dimensions.

"Oh geez Rick! Where did you take those guys?"

"Morty they were about to shoot us for (beeelch) some PR stunt with religious nuts who think a VCR is an ancient Rosary to pray unto. I..I just did us a huge favor Morty! Those guys woulda shot this chip bag and my ass isnt going back to Walmart Morty! Not now, not ever!"

"Well...will you at least tell me who those guys were Rick? Whats a third degree heresy?"

"Theyre space marines Morty. They're from the far end of the universe and think that they're an authority on anything. They (beeelch) they cant even warp travel Morty! They stick some jumper cables up a few psychic twats and use that as a proxy generator. Its barbaric Morty!"

"Wow Rick...tha...thats a lot to take in you know? I mean... that doesnt even sound coherent Rick! Is this some kind of British metal album or something?"

"Pretty much Morty..."

Rick takes out his flask, takes a big gulp, and wipes his mouth.

"And whats worse is now those bastards have our coordinance. Its not the imperium itself I worry about Morty...its those damn space marines! Theyre very tightly knit. Fuck with one you fuck with them all Morty."

"Than why did you send them God knows where Rick?! Oh geez..."

"Because I had too Morty! You ever been shot by a 48mm hand cannon?! Do you know what a ballistic projectile of that calibur could do to these bag of chips Morty?! Do you want to have to go back to Walmart Morty?! Huh?!"

"N...no Rick I..."

"Than shutup Morty and come with me."

Rick changes the settings on his portal gun and a purple spiral appears on the floor.

"Where are we going Rick?"

"Nowhere and everywhere Morty... (beeelch) those space marines call this place the warp."

They jump through and the portal dissapears. Just than Jerry walks into the room.

"Ohhhh! Just look at this mess! And potato chips all over the floor! Well im not cleaning that up..."

They drop onto a hellish plan with bats that twist their heads cackling, than get eaten by a giant sandworm, only for that giant sandworm to get eaten by an even bigger naked human who also jumps out and back into the soil.

Morty dusts himself off.

"This place looks slightly weirder than others we've been Rick..."

"Thats cause we are in the warp Morty...time, space, (belch) reason... none of it holds meaning in the warp. Thats why its called Chaos with a capital C."

"Oh geez Rick! Why...why would you bring us into the warp Rick?!"

"We need to find... (belch!) we need to find some mercenaries who know how to handle space marines Morty!"

Suddenly a goat man with a chaingun for an arm sees them, points his arm and starts shooting.

"Oh geez Rick!"

"Calm down Morty...its just a minor demon."

"Theres no such thing as a MINOR demon Rick!"

The goat demon is making baahhh noises chasing them down gun blazing.

"Rick! Just use the portal gun and get us out of here!"

"I cant Morty! (Belch!) the warp does not function like a material plane...I use the portal gun here and we could be transferred anywhere at random. Like literally right here in this spot at this exact time simultaneous to ourselves. Demons might be able to deal with that shit Morty but not some pussy carbon based life form like us!"

"Oh geez Rick! Are we gonna die in here by some...by some crazy goatman with a chaingun for an arm?!"

"BAAAHHHHH!"

"Probably Morty...but it still beats going back to Walmart for a butchered bag of chips."

"Not gonna lie Rick...your priorities are a little messed up."

Suddenly a space marine looking man teleports behind the goat man and cuts him in half. It lets out a whimpered "baaahhhh" as guts spill everywhere.

"Oh geez Rick!"

"Well guess that solves that problem..."

This space marine bares no helmet so you can see his disfigured face. He points his nightmarish blade at Morty.

"You...you are the one chosen of our true emperor. Many other beings blood can spill in this realm but yours is not to be one of them. He speaketh through me and decree it!"

"(Belch!) pretty cool Morty! Two minutes in here and you are already a chosen of Khorne!"

"Oh geez..."

The space marine walks toward them.

"I have waited seven hundred years for your arrival since we last met on your homeworld when I was stationed with my naive brothers..."

"Rick...is he..."

"Time has no meaning here Morty. Just roll with it. It moves things along anyway and im already bored with the concept."

"I will help you eliminate my astartes chapter. But devout to the blood gods or not...I expect something in return."

Rick takes out his flask and drinks it.

"So what do you want guy? I can tell Chaos sorts dont just accept cash payment..."

"Your household harbors a rival demon of a lesser god. It infuriates me to know that the chosen one is unkowwingly mocked by having this lesser demon prance around not on its hands and knees! If you want me to help you...you will slay this demon with your own hands. You must forget your mortal attachments chosen one!"

"Oh geez Rick..."

"Relax Morty. Its probably Jerry. I can get you a new one."

"I...I dont want a new one Rick! Oh geez this is all too intense! I cant take it Rick! Im done! Just take us home and you deal with these space marines and demons and everything from now on!"

"Hahaha...the child of Khorne thinks my brothers are after Rick Sanchez?! True he is a heretic...but no. Once my battle brothers realized your importance to the glory of Chaos Rick became inconsequential. If you wish to leave Rick I can slaughter him right now and you can stay with me in the warp."

"Yeah Morty...stay in the (belch!) warp. Maybe youll meet some nice Christian girl. Can have little warp babies."

"Shutup Rick! This...this is all your fault! Its always your fault! Ok look...im the chosen one right? Than I command you mr.space marine guy... to umm...to kill those other...space marine guys...and I dont owe you my dad's life!"

The chaos lord pauses for a moment.

"Very well child... I will honor my duties to you. However it will be you who answers to Khorne should your rogue demon problem persist..."

"Fine geez! Just...just kill the big scary guys with guns and lets go home!"

On a distant planet in the materium the astartes chapter is on a mission and suddenly a warp portal opens with a horde of demons, the chaos lord, and ofcourse Rick and Morty. After several of these unexpected coups the astartes chapter has dwindled down to a handfull and has given up its search for Rick OR Morty and instead opted to preserve their geneseed.

"It is done my liege... for two millenium my battle brothers will struggle to restote their ranks. Your life, Rick's, and everyone you know is safe..."

"Well thats a relief...I guess we can go home now right Rick?"

Rick rolls his eyes.

"Sure Morty...you just discovered you are the Jesus of a chaos god of war and we've tracked down and genocided an entire branch of astartes marines that are some of the imperiums most powerful foot soldiers...BUT HOME IS WHERE THE HEART IS."

"You know...you know what Rick? You're a jerk. How...how am I Khorne's chosen and not you?"

"Because im not a little bitch ticking time bomb waiting to explode Morty! I let my anger out like a healthy adult!"

They go home and Jerry is eating the rest of those chips.

"FUCK JERRY! Now...(belch!) now i have to go back to Walmart!"

The chaos lord observes them through a pool of fresh blood as a divination.

"Oh ignorant child...you are more lost than my brothers. In your folly you could not realize I did not want Rick to knew that I knew that HE was the demon I spoke of..."

"Wubalubadubdub Im a motherfucking demon prince!!!!"

Rick is dancing and flipping off the chaos lord and Morty just looks up at him.

"Rick who are you talking too?"


End file.
